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Dear Small man. I apologize for the delay in response but the staff here at Conan's corner strive to always provide our readers with the most up to date information available and to answer your question required that many staff members to spend long hours pouring through reference material and industry journals. You have expressed two conflicting goals: 1) to be able to eat like a "man" (over 200 Lbs)…a completely understandable goal. 2) To be able to maintain the weight of a "non-man" (under 200 Lbs.)…..I can only guess at what dysfunction is behind this desire. However it is my job to help you reach your goals no matter how counterintuitive they may be.
After rigorous research and interviewing several authorities on the matter I have come up with a type of hybrid approach that should yield good results. We will be taking a fresh look at the classic binge/purge approach used by cheerleaders. As well as the laxative approach used by wrestlers and Bodybuilders.
We will start with the binge/purge approach. In the past this technique has been labeled an "eating disorder" and rightly so. The subject eats large quantities of food and then avoids becoming manly in weight by "purging" wherein the subject achieves emesis (vomiting) by artificial means. However with a few modifications it can be considered a powerful tool for athletes rather than just limited to cheerleaders. It's clear that the modification needed to remove the stigma from this approach is to achieve the throwing up part by a more natural and harmonious means….more on that later. Next the laxative approach. This was popularized by high school and collegiate wrestlers and bodybuilders who needed a quick and effective way to make a weight class for competition. The subject would consume dangerous laxatives and diuretics in order the lose weight through the diarrhea and urine. It's obvious that this approach requires a way to achieve the diuretic affect without harsh pharmaceutical compounds.
So for your purposes we will be both optimizing and combining these two approaches in order to allow you to eat like a man without having to look like one. We at Conan's corner are calling this the "raw or rotten" meal plan. It's very simple. We achieve the benefit of emesis and diarrhea the way nature intended, by eating all calories (as many calories as you want…yay!) in a raw or rotten state. All meat products (beef, pork, chicken, bacon, turkey, eggs, bacon etc…) are to be consumed uncooked at room temperature (don't worry…wild animals have eaten this way for hundreds of years). All other foods (fruits, vegetables, legumes…etc) are to be consumed in a "rotten" and deteriorating state (Don't worry, bums have eaten this way for hundreds of years). The affect of this will be to promote the bodies' ability to stave off calorie retention (and manliness) in the most effective and efficient way possible (not by burning the calories but by literally ejecting them after they have been enjoyed!) while allowing you to eat and feel completely satisfied. Good luck and thanks for the question!

Disclaimer: Always consult you physician before engaging in any specialized nutrition plan like the one described in this post. Neither the author nor the staff or interns at Conan's Corner claim to have done any conclusive research on wild animals or bums

Conan Wass.

Dear Admiral

We have had only preliminary tests done (due to the fact that most medical testing equipment is damaged or severely distorted by the radiation emitted from Dave 's endocrine glands), and the evidence does suggest that at some time Dave's DNA was at least mostly humanoid. Many of us have witnesses the phenomenon that is Dave and questioned the origins of the universe.
The lore surrounding Dave is somewhat unbelievable had it not been verified by eyewitness. Yes it is true that Dave is impervious to carbon monoxide, mercury and salmonella…I myself verified this. It has also been confirmed that Dave subsisted for 9 calendar months on nothing but peanut-butter and Vaseline sandwiches. In addition you may be interested to know that Dave has webbed feat but sinks like a stone when submerged, and can speak to animals. I cannot confirm Dave's age but there is a documented account of a man who died in 1908 at the age of 93 who claimed to have fought in the Indian wars in the US cavalry and he gave an account of serving along side a mysterious grey haired man named Dave Kraft who had once wrestled a mule to the ground while talking on a cell phone.
To answer your second question: "does Dave pose any threat to the rest of us?".....I can only give personal testimony. I can tell you that although some might call it "coincidental"....I have personally noticed the following symptoms since I began training with Dave: tendonitis in my knees, funny clicking sounds in my shoulders, poor hand strength, low back pain, slow internet connection, and a weight problem. I cannot prove that these were caused by direct exposure to Dave, but I can tell you that none of these conditions existed before I knew Dave!

Dear Adoring fan

This is a much more important question than you might think. First I will answer you directly ….YES, I did in fact match skills and stamina with the gentleman Timmy Nassen. And I would like to also acknowledge my wingman Shawn Baier who paralleled this accomplishment (congratulations to you sir!) at grave risk to life, limb, and liver. Normally it is considered fashionable and in good taste to feign modesty when one is asked a question such as this. And normally that attitude would be appropriate. But if in false modesty I were to by one fraction diminish the feat, I would by the same unacceptable margin diminish the great man whom the feat is both inspired by and dedicated to! You see, in Mr. Timmy Nassen, our generation has finally identified a true visionary hero! Generations past have had their Christopher Columbus's, their Abraham Lincoln's, their Martin Luther King's, and their Evel Knievel's. And now, we have Timmy Nassen!
These days it seems normal and desirable to emasculate men, to pressure them to suppress their own manliness and manly behaviors. Timmy Nassen, in stark contrast would rightly designate and diagnose such a counterfeit representation of male characteristics as an incorrigible "Vaj". And so, as demonstrated by my efforts on that glorious night I have claimed my birthright of being designated "Not a Vaj" (Shawn Baier is also now "Not a Vaj"…..everyone else in attendance that night is unfortunately a "Vaj").
Is this my greatest achievement ever?......I can tell you that someday I will grow old, I will scarcely remember competitions won, or weights lifted….but I will remember being "Not a Vaj", and I will proudly go to my grave knowing that I had measured my ability to be "Not a Vaj" against the truest example of un-"vaj"-like characteristics of any man in recent history……Timmy Nassen.
Where do I go from here? I am now duty bound to travel the world and boldly preach that which I have learned from Timmy Nassen…..I will unabashedly proclaim who is a "Vaj" and who is "Not a Vaj". And to those courageous few who are willing to turn from their "Vaj"-ish ways, I will baptize them with whatever that stuff was that Shawn and I were drinking.

-Conan

I apologize for the delay in response, however when you understand the reason for the delay, I am sure you will appreciate its necessity. Since I had very little experience with bodybuilding, I decided that in order to maintain the editorial integrity of Conan's corner and still provide you with the most cutting edge training information, I had no choice but to become a bodybuilder. So, the very day you posted your original question I began my metamorphosis from a strength athlete into "Physique competitor" based on data gleaned from a bodybuilding magazine from 1987 which was loaned to the Conan's Corner staff by D.J. Satterfield.
The first change that had to be made is chicken breasts….Bodybuilders carry chicken breasts around with them in cooler everywhere they go…I always assumed that this was some conglomeration of Creole voodoo, and pagan superstition. However I did find that after carrying a cooler of chicken breasts around all day, I had a pretty nice pump in my right forearm, so I started alternating hands every other day in order to maintain forearm "symmetry" (symmetry is to bodybuilders what strength is to strongmen). As I became a more experienced bodybuilder, I discovered that you really want to replace the chicken breasts with fresh ones every couple of days or they start to smell horrible……also, don't keep your wallet and cell phone in there with the chicken breasts.
Next is the expensive part: Bodybuilders shave their bodies, it's supposed to help show off the definition. I'm not sure if this is a cost effective way to accomplish this, I used 11 Gillette sensor 3 (triple bladed) on my back alone with virtually no appreciable increase in the appearance of definition. However, to be fair this may need more time for a cumulative affect to be observed…
Finally, the training itself: Bodybuilders do lift weights, but there are 2 distinct differences in their methods: first; Bodybuilders must evenly cover their skin with posing oil while training. This (like shaving) helps show off muscle definition. I am unsure if there is a commonly accepted or endorsed type of oil that must be used, but I've so far had pretty good luck with Hoppe's #9 bench rest gun oil. Side note: this did much more to bring out muscle definition then the shaving does. Second; I am told that Bodybuilders divide their bodies into parts and each body part gets its own training day. I wasn't sure the exact criteria used for dividing up the body parts so I used the most obvious delineation: hands and shoulders. On the first day I perform all the exercises in which the weights are placed in the hands (deadlifts, farmers walk, snatch, cleans, presses). On the second day I perform all the exercises in which the weights are placed on the shoulders (squats, yoke walk). This basically gives two separate training sessions on two separate days for the different body parts. I suppose as I become more advanced at bodybuilding, or if I turn pro, I might need to add in an elbow day for when the weights are held with the elbows (Conan's wheel, Husafel stone, Zercher squats). So to answer your question; no, there is (from what I've seen) no major differences in the way that strongmen and bodybuilders train.

-Conan

Dear Dazed and confused.
I believe that the confusion stems partially from the terminology itself. A "Full Squat" is performed below parallel, any similar movement performed above parallel is technically termed a "weighted Curtsy". The Curtsy is a traditional gesture of greeting, in which a girl or woman bends her knees while bowing her head, She may also use her hands to hold her skirt out from her body. The curtsy was considered polite, and an indicator of high social rank. I suppose that by training the Curtsy with a barbell, one might increase the explosive qualities of the Curtsy, thereby increasing the appearance of social rank and politeness. Conversely, the full squat is considered the king of all strength building exercises and is superior for increasing size and strength for virtually all the major muscle groups. In order to form a more accurate assessment of the value of each of the two variants (the "Full Squat" as compared to the "Weighted Curtsy") I resolved to perform a scientific experiment to compare outcomes. However, no control group could be designated, and no method of random selection devised since no current Belton Hanger (The training location used by the Conan's Corner Staff) trainees were willing to be randomly assigned to a group in order to perform either movement exclusively. So , I evaluated each participant and categorized them into either of the 2 groups based on the type of movement they performed during their normal scheduled workouts. Group 1 consisted of the "Full Squat" adherents (Dave), group 2 consisted of the "weighted Curtsy" adherents (everyone else). Then after the participants were divided in to either of the two groups they were evaluated based on the following values: Lower body strength, overall athleticism, and perceived politeness (Note: only a nominal percentage of "weighted Curtsy" adherents were observed to wear skirts as described above).
My findings were indeed surprising. Not only did the "full Squat" group (Dave) display greater lower body strength and overall athleticism, but also had significantly greater perceived politeness. Meanwhile the "weighted Curtsy" group (everyone else) displayed less lower body strength, much less overall athleticism (which was expected), but gave an overall perception of surliness, rude speech and general discourtesy even while displaying a very crisp and decisive Curtsy. So in conclusion, I would have to agree with your uncle that the full squat is superior in nearly every way to the "Weighted Curtsy".

-Conan Wass

I'm sure it was self affirming for the Godfather to make such a comparison. So although this has nothing to do with strongman, I will describe for you the family tradition that he is referring to and compare to the activities that the godfather engages in and will then let you be the judge. When I was growing up back in Wyoming, during holidays all of my family would gather at my grandparent's home for thanksgiving and Christmas meals. I had many cousins and we were all close in age. In my family marksmanship was highly valued. While the holiday meals were cooked, all of us (my cousins, brothers, uncles and me) would practice shooting. We had an indoor range set up in my grandparent's house. From the back bedroom, down the hallway, through the laundry room and into the garage was one straight path. We would set up steel silhouettes (shaped like common game wildlife) in the garage (with a means of safely catching any stray bullets set up behind the silhouettes) and would practice our shooting skills from the back bedroom. This kept our marksmanship and gun handling skills in top form and translated well to hunting actual wild game.

I have been to the Godfathers ancestral farm many times. The Godfather is required to do all his practice shooting outdoors rather then in a warm house, this is of course a very primitive way to practice. In addition to that archaic method, the Godfather does not use silhouettes to simulate wild game, but instead shoots at a broken down old ford Taurus, I don't know of any herds of wild cars roaming around to be hunted…even out near Cameron. In addition, The Godfathers car is already so riddled with holes that it would be difficult to judge whether or not you had hit where you aimed since there is hardly a spot on the car that doesn't already have a bullet hole. So I have to assume that shooting it is done out of sheer cruelty rather then to increase skill. So I think it is obvious which of us is the "Hillbilly"!

-Conan Wass