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Dear Small-Fry

First, you must remember that the people who ridicule you only do so because of poor self esteem, and they are probably jealous that they have to pay full price for regular size clothing.

Second, While there is really no way to improve your stature, there are ways to optimize your "Manhorseness". I created a specific protocol for other dainty little types that has produced good results. I call it the "Squat-Press-Surround yourself with midgets-3x3" Plan. In broad terms it calls for a very High calorie diet and a specific training schedule. You will be Squatting heavy 3 times a week (2 high volume days, 1 max effort days), you will be pressing heavy (any standing overhead press variation) 3 times a week (2 high volume days, 1 deload day at the end of the week), Then during all other days of the week you will surround yourself with midgets. During this time you will appear (especially when viewed from a distance) to be very imposing and tall. take care not to let anyone get to close because as they approach they will realize that it is merely the visual perspective affect that makes you seem so large, and the jig will be up. Follow this protocol for 6 week cycles followed by a weeks rest before repeating. The volume for the squats and presses can me modified as needed, the "Surround yourself with midgets" is really the heart of this program. Stay dedicated and good luck

Dear "BS Olympic Gym"

This is an inappropriate question for this site, we hear at Conan's Corner respect and value all "lifestyles", however we feel there are probably millions of sites that go on and on and have pictures on the types of question that you asked, but we would ask that you refrain from asking them hear.

-Conan Wass

Dear Biggest fan,
Thank you for the question, it's always good to hear from my fans!
In response to your question, in fact the first is true: The Conan's wheel is actually named after me. However to understand why, I have to take you back to our beloved sport's infancy. You see the "Conan's Wheel" wasn't always the hateful, ridiculous contraption that you see in competitions today. What was originally known as the "Conan's Wheel" was a much purer, holier event that involved connecting the competitor to a large wheeled object (hence the "Wheel" in the name) such as a tractor-trailer or fire engine (two vehicles that are the epitome of American hard work and sacrifice) with a chain or cable secured to a regal and flattering harness. The competitor then pulled the vehicle along a straight and noble course of designated length.
I was undefeated at this event in almost 3 outings. So utter was my mastery over the "Conan's wheel" that many began to grumble and resent my preeminence. So the powers that be in the sport of strongman contrived to strip me of my glory by bastardizing the "Conan's Wheel". The proud fire engine was replaced by an extremely unattractive piece of the most unnatural welded steel pipe, much akin the kind that carries raw sewage from public restrooms. Instead of the straight course, the competitor is doomed to travel in a hopeless circle of suffocation. And gone is the ceremonial harness, instead the strongman must carry the filthy pipe in the crook of his elbows like a Philipino pig farmer carrying buckets of slop.
I hope my answer has educated some not only to the history of our sport, but to the dastardly politics that rule over it. I hope you'll join me in my cause and boycott this degrading event whenever it is included in competition.

-Conan Wass

You are observant and respectful and this alone is why your question shall be answered! But the real question is not "How can you learn to Karate chop the steel chair?" but, "How did I control the Karate so that it didn't extend down and cleave through the concrete floor as well?" You see Chi is like Ringworm: it's easy to get, but difficult to control once it gets moving! So it is with a sober heart that I tell you of my struggles with the Karate because the way of Karate is not an easy one. Its pursuit has left deep scars in both my body and my drywall. As I matured I learned how to control my Chi and there fore use my powerful karate only for good and not for evil, selfish, lustful purposes. I resolved to travel the countryside….Belton mostly, and use my focused Chi and my humble karate to serve mankind. I used my karate to dispatch villains, and to protect widows and I once used it to repair a broken ice-cream machine at the Sonic. But as I traveled I began to realize that people only loved me for my karate and not for who I really was. Then I became resentful and vengeful and began to use my Karate for personal gain and ambition. I used my Karate to impress women, and to make money and to cut in line the D.M.V. My Chi had fallen out of balance and the town folk feared me because of my karate. It was then that I realized my own depravity, my moral bankruptcy. It was then that I realized the deepest secret of karate: Karate is only pure when it is hidden away in your heart. I discovered that Karate is like algebra, you must understand it and believe in its power, but never ever ever use it to solve your problems! I believe that it was providence that in my moment of desperation in Kansas my iron resolve was weakened for the faintest second and my Karate was unleashed so that all mankind might learn from this burden that I bear.

Conan Wass

Excellent question, in the interest of brevity, let me say that if you don't know what a regular turd is than you should spend some time researching the subject elsewhere then return to this post for reference. Going forward, a "Victory Turd" (See previous post) is entirely differentiated from regular turds by the context and circumstances of its manifestation. To illustrate the specific characteristics of the "Victory Turd" I will contrast it with the common "Shart".
The similarities are that a "Victory Turd" and a "Shart" are both defined as "Small unplanned partial bowel movements that occur outside the confines of a lavatory". However this is where the similarities end. A garden variety "Shart" is what normally occurs in mundane locations such as at work or while having your teeth cleaned at the dentist's office. A "Shart" is usually preceded by a night of heavy consumption of any of the more economically priced beers (IE: Natural light or Mickeys), or after consuming 2 or more bowls of "Raisin-Bran" cereal for breakfast. A "Victory Turd" is the byproduct of specific regimens and subject to strict qualifications. A "Shart" is made up of digested or partially digested food and flatus (gas) and is a product of poor scheduling. A "Victory Turd" is excreted directly from the spleen and is the result of supra-maximal exertion. A turd only qualifies as a "Victory Turd" if it complies with the following guidelines:

1) It is produced by a competitive strength athlete, or a strength athlete with legitimate intentions toward competition.

2) It is produced during a legitimate hip-dominant strength promoting exercise or event (Ie. stone loading, deadlifting, squatting, keg loading).

3) It is produced only after the athlete has forcefully emptied his bowels of all known fecal matter (to the best of his knowledge and abilities) before engaging in events or training.

Failure to comply with all three of these standards disqualifies the product and requires that it be recorded as a "Shart" on all training journals and meet scorecards.

The reason for the short hair is not due to any particular adherence to fashion. The wearing of short hair has everything to due with overhead pressing ability. Everyone knows that overhead pressing ability is what separates strongman from other "so called" strength sports. When one is attempting to achieve elite overhead pressing ability, it is necessary to eliminate all other activities that may tax the shoulder girdle or pressing structures. This includes basically any motion that raises the hands above waist level because these motions tire the deltoids and traps. So it stands to reason that swirling a comb or brush (or a pick if you're a black guy) around your head for an extended period of time several times a day is a sure prescription for overtraining. So keeping a clipped coiffure is a way to avoid these kinds of stresses. Now I have to be careful here because I am at risk of straying out of the "advise" realm and into the "giving away trade secrets" category, but I will tell you that if you examine your lifestyle you will probably find many things that you do throughout the day without any consideration for the unintended consequences it has on your overhead pressing ability, for example: think of how many strokes you use when brushing your teeth and consider how many more reps you might have gotten on your log press later in the day had you not overtaxed you arms and shoulders with your vain grooming activity! This should help you identify many other daily offenses such as cleaning your ears, tying a tie, folding down you collar, putting in contact lenses, shaving (see earlier post on beard length), or shampooing. The next time you miss an overhead press, ask your self this: "would I still have missed that press had I not spent so much upper body effort flossing my teeth"?
In regards to Old Testament story of Samson, it is not directly related to your question but does have pertinence to KCstrongman. Because I am trained in theology and have a deep faith in God, I can say that the point of the Samson account from the bible is clear: "So Delilah said to Samson, "Tell me the secret of your great strength and how you can be tied up and subdued." (Judges 16:6) Samson does end up telling Delilah…and what happens? "Then the Philistines seized him, gouged out his eyes and took him down to Gaza." (Judges 16:21). I think the moral here is clear…..Chicks are always going to try to keep you out of the gym!

Conan Wass

Dear D.J.

I'm glad you responded to my concerned intervention.

I am sure that you think you follow such a nutritious diet, but your mind is tainted with cholesterol and preservatives and your consumption of lean chicken breasts is entirely a hallucination. Please don't be offended by my comments here, they are entirely based in brotherly concern.

I believe you have what's called the "Papillion pork food product syndrome"(PPFPD). I make this prognoses not just based on the flabby, bloated, pale, saggy, shallow-Squatted, bouncy benched, hitchy-deadlifted appearance of your overall body structure that is so widely attributed to PPFPD. But also do to the evidence in your overall loss mental acumen as a result of the mixture or heavy chain triglycerides (From Mayonnaise) and chemical preservatives (from the Spam) suppressing synaptic function. This was apparent to those of us who care about you as we observed the circus of judging inconsistencies and overall lack of depth perception and verbal allocution. I and many other competitors (Scott Tully) were horrified to hear the muffled comments spread through the crowd in hushed tones: "Is that really old flabby man with the stopwatch drunk?" they would ask. Luckily I myself was able to feign such a comical event performance as to draw attention away from you in order to preserve you r dignity. Its important that you seek help now because I wont always be around to help hide your condition from the public view. Please know that the staff here at "Conan's Corner" as well as all members of KCstrongman are only interested in your well being and recovery and are praying for Judy and the rest of the family during this crisis. Remember, step one is admitting that you have a problem.

That my friend is an excellent question. Here are some of the many characteristics that make the "Belton Hanger" the Woop-assest training facility ever:

1) They used to repair airplanes there, so there are cool signs posted all around that tell you that it was once a place where people had to be reminded not to get sucked into jet engines.

2) They store salt piles for a snow removal company there, so in the winter time you have to dodge dump trucks while doing yoke or farmers walk.

3) We have a bench press, but it is covered in taco grease because no one really does benches at the hanger so mostly we use it as a picknick bench for post strongman workout meals.

4) We have a big, bald, black guy. His name is Frank, he's 6' 6" and 300 Lbs. Every REAL training facility has a big bald black guy.

5) Sometimes I bring my dogs to the hanger when I train. They like to chase people while they are doing farmer walks. They also like to climb the salt piles and crap on them.

6) We have the only fully functioning, state of the art "Dave" in the world.

7) In the hanger next to us the government is doing some kind of clandestine activity that attracts internet conspiracy nuts. Those nuts often confuse our hanger with the clandestine government hanger and then they sneak around and take pictures of us and put them on internet conspiracy nut websites. For a while there was a "YouTube Documentary" that appeared to be claiming that Dave and I were running an internment camp for "Non-conformists" where they were forced to pull cars with ropes and perform all manner of heavy labor.

8 ) There is no electricity at the hanger, so the risk of electrocution is nearly nil….unless you touch the generator…then the risk of electrocution is moderate. If the generator is running the risk of carbon-monoxide poisoning is moderate to high. But in the winter time if the generator is not running the risk of hypothermia is high. These all contribute to the intensity level at the Belton hanger!

9) The salt makes everything rust, so if you run out of chalk, you can still get a pretty good grip on most of the implements.

10) We don't have a fancy, hoity toity shootin' car like some facilities, but the salt pile causes less ricochets.

11) There's a surly old guy who works for the snow removal company, and sometimes he will come and sit down and smoke a pack of cigarettes and visit with if you are trying to do heavy squats.